How much coffee is too much coffee?

I’m asking you this question, my dear friend, because I feel the peculiar, bitter taste in my mouth as I type this.


See, I absolutely need to have a cup in the morning, no ifs and buts about it. My beloved mother has taught me that everything tastes better with coffee. So while a tall glass of orange juice would be the obvious, healthy and invigorating choice for a solid breakfast, I go straight for my – very, it needs to be very – hot cup of coffee, nothing worse than cold, lukewarm coffee. When I was in Glasgow visiting a friend recently – who by the way, does not drink coffee (what!!) – I had to settle for apple juice. Okay, that’s fine I love apple juice, in fact. Just not as much as I love my morning coffee. So when I got home guess what I had that afternoon? That’s right.

That same friend says coffee tastes like nothing but hot, dirty water. And he drinks a cup of green tea every night! I mean, really? Green tea IS warm, dirty water. Obviously he’s not as sophisticated as me, because everyone knows sophisticated people drink coffee. They sit down with a newspaper, a thick fancy book, an intellectual friend and what do they order, what do they feed their brains with? Coffee! That’s correct, because coffee is a great daily addition to your life when you are a neurotic, anxious and complicated little person who can’t seem to get your life together, damn it!

I have renounced everything else: coke, canned beans, instant ramen. I’ve tried quitting before but it always feels like something is missing. Besides just a quick search on google and you’ll find out coffee is good for your mind, soul and extends your life. The benefits are endless! And if it’s on the internet, then it must be true. Of course multiple cups throughout the day make your life even more exciting: all the emotional ups and downs, the shaking of the hands, the increased heart rate. It’s like an adventure and who doesn’t want all that instability in their life! My brain and my heart won’t even think twice before taking my body wherever the coffee is.

Yesterday all I had to eat was chocolate cake and coffee. I was too lazy and busy to cook or look for anything else. Now my stomach, head and mouth are coming up with their own opinions about the whole situation. The addiction persists because I’m very stubborn. But it’s all very democratic over here and we’re all discussing and looking for a satisfying solution. We all want to live long and prosper – my organs and I.

It seems I’m gonna have to cut back. Ah boooring! It’s hard to remain uneducated and oblivious in the information age. If I die from drinking too much caffeine I’ll only have myself to blame and people will even question the validity of my college degree. There’s too much at stake here.

My trembling hands and my foggy brain are taking a break from coffee. There’s green tea in the cupboard. And ginger. The time are a changin’.

2 thoughts on “How much coffee is too much coffee?

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